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A Fig Tree [Sep. 30th, 2010|10:13 pm]
These are all words that have been used to describe me by mental health professionals. I've been in some form of therapy since I was six and I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of being the peg that doesn't fit in. It's like I don't even know who I am anymore, all I know is that I feel like I'm drowning. I haven't been to my therapist since March. What's the point? I'm not fixed, I've never been fixed, and a selfish part of me wishes that society coud just adjust for me and that I didn't have to adjust myself for it.
And I know I'm really depressed because here I am quoting The Bell Jar:
I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.
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Writer's Block: Boldly going [Sep. 26th, 2010|08:33 pm]

Which fictional world would you choose to visit, and why?

Lyra's England from His Dark Materials. Definitely, it's such a richly drawn world. Plus I want a daemon.
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Writer's Block: Do you want to know a secret? [Sep. 13th, 2010|08:24 pm]

How do you think personal relationships would change if people could read minds?

Could we control this ability? It would be pretty awful if we couldn't, like that Buffy episode, "Earshot," when she accidentally absorbs a demon's blood and inherits an aspect of that demon. She ended up being bombarded by people's thoughts, including the fact that her mom had sex with Giles--twice--on top of a police car.
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This is weird, right? It's probably weird [Sep. 7th, 2010|09:34 pm]
I know some people on my f-list are going through some really bad stuff now. I just want to let you know I'm thinking about you. I just really can't focus long enough to write comments and am being verys elf-absorbed. I'm sorry.
1. I'm really into Star Trek: TOS now. As if I needed to enhance my nerdiness.
2. I keep rereading "The Hunger Games" series. Is this weird? Does anyone else do that? I guess I'm just feeling stressed and I can't focus long enough on the "real" books I was reading--one about the history of doubt and Jude the Obscure. I just really like The Hunger Games right now.
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Done! [Aug. 26th, 2010|10:19 pm]
I finished reading Mockingjay, the third book in The Hunger Games trilogy. It makes up for the shortcomings of the second book. Definitely. I just wish Katniss were more popular than Bella.
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I have been to the mountain and it is good [Aug. 25th, 2010|09:03 pm]
I saw Piranha-3D and it was good. Now I know that god exists.
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I like to answer questions [Aug. 21st, 2010|10:06 pm]
What song are you currently addicted to?
So many, I love music so much. "Samantha" by Hole off of their new album Nobody's Daughter. All of Rasputina's new album Sister Kinderhook, which is about life in the Hudson River Valley in the 19th century. "Tell Me Why," "Lovalot," and "XXXO" off of M.I.A.'s new album /\/\/\Y/\.
What's your favorite season?
I used to love summer but I'm becoming an autumn person.
What's the latest movie you watched?
What is the one skill you wish you had?
Musical ability, especially with stringed instruments.
What's your current fandom/obsession/addiction?
Generally, Buffy and Harry Potter. I'm rediscovering my love for The Vampire Chronicles, though. I also plan to reread The Hunger Games in anticipation of the third novel, Mockingjay. Because I'm not nerdy enough.
What's your favorite musical instrument?
What web sites do you always visit when you go online?
In this order; LJ, Wordpress, D-Listed, Facebook, Texts from Last Night, Pharyngula, Fear Street Blog, Final Girl, Dibbly Fresh, and Cracked.
What was the last thing you bought?
Bus fare
If you win 10,000 bucks today, what would you do with it?
Pay off debts, get my own computer, run away from current life.
Last concert you went to?
Rasputina at The Knitting Factory
What could be one of the best things to happen to you right now?
My money problems could instantly disappear, never to return.
What's your favorite food?
Do you want to learn another language?
Sure do! Japanese, brush up on my Italian, Latin, French, Russian, so many.
Five things you can't live without.
1. Floss
2. Music
3. Books
4. My loved ones
5. Cuteness everywhere
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Is Interview with the Vampire my Twilight? [Aug. 14th, 2010|09:53 pm]
I can't say. I reread the book recently and I can understand why it would appeal to an alienated teenage girl. This idea of living forever on the outside of humanity, beautiful and powerful and rich was so appealing. I still find the story interesting but I'm reading it with the eyes of an adult.
The thing that has changed for me mostly is my feelings towards Louis and Lestat. When I was a teenager I could relate the most to Louis but I wanted to be Lestat. Now I dislike Louis but retain my fondness for Lestat. My main dislike of Louis is that he could have prevented Lestat from changing Claudia into a vampire if he simply killed her. Instead, he allowed her to suffer in the body of a five-year-old for eternity. Plus, I find his ideas about morality to be laughable. For a time he would only feed off of animals and considered it a sin to take a human life while he was a slaveowner. I expect him to embody the ideals and mores of his time but I always found it funny that this was never really confronted. While Lestat profited off of Louis's slave-ownership he was at least honest about his killing. I guess it's the idea of honesty versus obfuscation.
So now I'm at the beginning of rereading The Vampire Lestat and I find Lestat to be as outrageous and lovable as usual.
I guess The Vampire Chronicles are my Twilight in a way--I love them in a way that isn't necessarily justifiable. They're certainly not the best literature. But at least they're sexy and violent. I like vampires that bite.
In a vaguely related note, I wish that The Hunger Games trilogy attracted more attention than Twilight. Mockingjay, the final installation in the series is out on the twenty-fourth and while I was disappointed by the second book I still look forward to the final book's arrival.
What disappointed me about the second book was Katniss's wishy-washiness. While the first book was defined by her decisiveness and quick action the second book is defined by indecisiveness and fear. True, the situation has definitely changed. I don't think that Katniss ever considered the consequences of winning the Hunger Games and book two is all about those consequences. But it lacks characterization and depth. I wanted explanations when I picked up the second book. I expected there to be some blowback from Kat winning the games. How were the districts taking their victory? What are the other districts and how exactly did the country end up divided? I'm still optimistic, though, and I'm hoping there will be explanations. And overall, I'd rather have Kat on my team than Bella.
I guess one of the main points of this post is the idea of submission, whether to fate or other people. I like people that don't submit. I don't really have a codified system of morality that I subscribe to but the idea of submitting against my will is anathama to me. I don't like compromise and I want to win. It just depends on how you define win.
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Thanks for the Dada-ist spam, I feel much more abstract [Aug. 11th, 2010|11:16 pm]
This was sent to my email. Upon review, I've decided it's less Dada and more like if Allen Ginsberg and Ernest Hemingway had a child. A child that wrote spam advertising $1 Viagra.
Bite your tongue, good old Ma. What a lot of malarky.Steengo talking. Or was there a strong whiff of the admiral behind his Slaves, he said and reached out a toe to prod the nearest one. The He was a big man with a big jaw, which he rubbed as he kicked
It just stops there. What does he kick? I'll never know...
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My New Manga Loves [Aug. 10th, 2010|12:39 pm]
There won't be any new Yotsuba&! until December, so this is what I'm reading to fill the time. Although I have heard rumors that Yotsuba&! will be appearing in Yen Press's online edition.
Neko Ramen

Taisho is a cat. He's also a ramen chef. He walks upright, wears a little apron and headband, and speaks, but he's still a cat. He doesn't seem to realize that he's a cat though. Taisho's shop doesn't get a lot of customers, probably because there's something odd tasting about the ramen (This is explained later.) In fact, his only customer seems to be Tanaka, a young salary man.
The story is told in four-box vignettes so it feels kind of like reading a newspaper comic as opposed to a manga. The artwork is simple but appealing and I think it's hilarious how tough Taisho looks, especially when you meet his father who is a successful cat model.
Chi's Sweet Home

Chi is a kitten. She was out for a walk one day with her mom and kitten siblings when she got lost. Luckily, she's found by Youhei Yamada and his mom. Their apartment complex doesn't allow pets so they try to find her a new home, but they become attached to her and decide to keep her. Initially Chi is nameless but the Yamada family name her Chi after she accidentally responds to the word, which actually means "urine" or "small."
Vertical Inc. publishes this story American-style, so it's left to right. That always kind of irks me. But it's in lush full color, with beautiful pastels that are reminiscent of watercolors. This comic is so sweet that when you're done reading it you'll have three cavities.

In non-manga reading news, I've been reading the American Splendor compilations that a coworker's been lending me. I'm so sad that Harvey Pekar died. I can really relate to him. I mean, I'm working a completely menial job with hopes of artistic recognition outside the workplace. Also, I do have a bad temper. I just don't suffer fools. I've been watching videos of his various freakouts on Letterman and it's kind of amazing.
I'm trying to read From Hell but I just can't get into it. The artwork is ok but I have no patience for the plot. I'm giving it seventy-seven pages (My age + fifty) and if I can't get into it then I'm returning it to the library.

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